Sunday, February 2, 2014

what i fear

First off, HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY to our sweet Lilly Mae!! xoxo


Onto today's blog challenge topic...

Fear. It attacks all of us, and there's little we can do to stop it. There is, however, much we can do to combat it.

Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. I'm scared often of inadequacy, especially in my job or in my role as Austen's wife. I'm scared of gaining weight, as I worked so hard to lose almost 25 pounds in the past couple of years. I'm scared of losing friends, for whatever reason, as it happens often when people move around with the military. I'm scared of losing Austen, Lilly, or Shiloh ((those three are my family, and my whole world)).


But lately, Austen & I have had some of the same fears. We would love to expand our family in the near future, and there are whole heaping bunches of fears that come along with it. Will I make a good momma? How will I balance my roles as a mother, and as a professional? What will our marriage look like after we have babies? Will Lilly & Shiloh love the new baby? What type of relationship will our families have with the baby, since we're 18 hours away?

Our biggest fears come into the health of our future babies, though. I have a rare heart condition, and in my family, it affects about 1/2 of us, so I know that the chances are significant that at least one or two of our babies will have Long QT Syndrome. I fear about losing babies, because there is no "safe zone" in my pregnancies. I will be high risk for the full 40+ weeks of pregnancy.

This was a huge reason I started eating organics. I saw a change in my body, and started to feel healthier from the inside out. Austen & I agreed that we wanted to bring the healthiest possible babies into this world, and being able to eat organics allows us to do that. I can't change their genetics, but I can change if their little bodies are used to processed, chemically altered foods or not.

I know it won't change my heart condition, or the chances of our babies getting it. However, what I hope it does is that we will have incredibly healthy babies that are able to recover faster from surgeries ((if necessary)). A part of me also hopes that it'll help my chances of not miscarrying, although I have no reason to believe it will or won't. Just my heart's hopes.

There is a complete difference in the fears for yourself, and the fears for your family. I'd give anything to know our future family will be healthy and safe. It's also much more difficult to put that into God's hands and trust that His plan is perfect, because this type A thinks my plans are pretty dang good.

Disclaimer: I know it is only my doctor's choice to put me as a high risk patient, as none of my momma's generation had any complications during their pregnancies. I think it has something to do with the doctors on the Air Force base, but am not entirely sure of their reasons behind this decision. I have been told this by my PCM, midwife, and an ob-gyn friend off base. I just know what I've been told, and that it's probably different for everyone!

 Blog Everyday in February

9 comments:

  1. Wow! Thanks for being so raw and honest, girl! I firmly believe that one of the first steps to combating fear is naming it. God is going to honor your trust and will breathe His peace into the places you need it most.

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    1. Thanks, Bailey. I was nervous about being so honest with this fear, but it is the only true fear that has been in my mind lately and on my heart. Thank you again for hosting a link up with such raw and real prompts!

      xoxo

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  2. Awww. I can relate to that fear as well. I would love nothing more then to start a family soon but there (like you said) so many fears that correlate with that new adventure for a married couple.
    Bless your heart that you're going through life with a heart condition. I pray that for health for your future little one someday.

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    1. "Luckily" (the silver lining, I guess) is that I've had the heart condition my whole life, but known about it since I was 14. It's been something I've known since day 1 we'd have to deal with when we start a family. Thank goodness for my parents to be wise and have us go through genetic testing so that our pregnancies and testing will be that much smoother.

      xoxo

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  3. I'm so glad we're doing this challenge together. I loved hearing your heart in this post. You are so strong and I cannot wait to hear of how the Lord is faithful to you in upcoming stages of life! XO

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    1. Thank you, sweet friend! We're hoping for lots of big blessings in the next phase of life! I'm glad you're linking up with all of Bailey's posts as well :)

      xoxo

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  4. Your first fear really struck a chord with me: fear of inadequacy. This fear can sneak into SO many areas of life, and it really is a battle to not surrender to fear.
    Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. Praying for you and your husband as you head towards parenting and all that entails!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, they are always appreciated! And goodness, inadequacy is always such a struggle. It leaks into every aspect of life, doesn't it? Such a pesky little fear.

      xoxo

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  5. I also started eating organically during my first pregnancy. The biggest deal is to always make your food from scratch-- nothing processed, even if it has "organic" ingredients. You never know though-- you could do it all perfectly and have troubles, or eat like crap and have a super healthy baby (I've seen it time and time again!). Praying for you :)
    XO/Kelly @ Our Cone Zone

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I love all ya'lls comments! I will try to either respond to your comment via the post or in email to ((hopefully)) create a more personal conversation.

xoxo

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